Neil Dentan HatarN^

October, November, December, January, February, March, April and May. Still I think about it.

Let me tell you the story. My story, her story... our story.

Well, let's start from the beginning and let's go breifly through it all. Well, actually I don't know where to start but let's go from where I met her the first time, probably as far back I can go with her. It was over the web I met her, of course. Well, I won't tell exactly where but we decided to add eachothers hotmails over MSN so we could chat there instead. Said and done, we were talking. It turned out that we were pretty alike. I can't remember what we first wrote about, well okay. I do, but I don't think it's appropiate. Let's just say that it was weird we could talk about stuff like that when we just -met-. I guess that's what made us special together, we were able to talk about everything. Anyway, the first day we spoke were.. kind of magical and frightening. We were sitting up very late, talking about ourselves, what we liked, looked like, showing pictures of ourselves, turned out we were the exact same person, in different bodies, strange, huh? Well it gets better. It kinda clicked instantly between us, I guess. At least that's how it felt for me. I'll speed the story up, we talked A LOT to eachothers. And I mean A FUCKING LOT. We pretty much knew everything about eachother after a month. Let's speed it up to October 2009, by the way, when we met it was February 2009.

After talking to eachothers for months, literally. We decided a date for when to meet. The 23rd of October. I just couldn't wait, I told all my friends about it. I was so happy, I was so excited. I was nervous on the train there. When I finally arrived I got a call from her, asking me in what train I would arrive in, I was so confused around there I couldn't tell. Well, she saw me exit the train and said, "I think I see you now." I looked around and saw a lonely and quite small person in the distant, I knew it was her. My first thought was "Wow..". She was really pretty. Anyway, we were going home to her with her mother, in the car. I always thought that we would sit in the back of the car, holding hands. But she sat in the front instead, pointing out points of interest. I wasn't so interested though, I only wanted to be with her. Once home, I will refer to her home as my home because well.. I lived there for ten days, it was pretty much my home. She showed me around the place, it was a very nice place, much better than where I live I thought. The first day I was just unpacking some stuff. I was wondering where I was going to sleep. I thought it was funny that she let me sleep outside her room, in an inflatable bed. I didn't like it. Not one bit. I remember though we were laying in her bed talking, she had her pyjamas on and well.. I was fully dressed laying next to her. Eventually she fell asleep and I looked at her, also falling asleep. I woke up an hour later, looking at her and left the room, closing the door after me and went to bed in my... inflatable bed. I remember that I always woke up before her, she was a heavy sleeper and wanted to sleep for a long time. I once woke her up by accidentaly hitting her with my elbow, the reason for that was that I was jumping around in her bed playfully. She got really mad at me. I hated it when she yelled at me... She threw me out the room. That was the third day I was there. I told her that I didn't want her to sleep through my whole visit and left the room in shame. Let's.. skip ahead a bit.

She had already planned the whole week. And she was paying for everything. She took me to some places worth seeing on my visit, it was really fun together with her. I still thought it was strange she never wanted to hold hands. And when I offered her any help she never needed any, I felt very weak, I only wanted to help her and be there for her but apparently that's not what she wanted. After some time it was like she didn't want me to be there, I was for the record, mostly playing with her little brother. That's not why I came visiting her. I wanted to hold her hands, I wanted to touch her hair, I wanted to make her feel safe. But I only think she wanted to take me away from the hell I am living here, to another hell.

Anyway, I was really hoping something would happen between us. But after a week we didn't even hold hands. Which was strange, after hearing what she always told me, day after day she would hug me harder for everything bad that has happened, hug me harder for every cute thing I said. She said the hug would crush me. Was that only a metaphor for crushing me mentally later on? I was storing courage to ask her about what she felt about me. 

The day was the 29th of October, it was a Thursday, the day we went to lasertag, it was really awesome together with her. The whole day was kinda awesome, until late on to the night. I was laying in my... inflatable bed and thinking if I should go in to her and ask her. I didn't hesitate, I went into her room and there she was. Sitting in her bed with her cute pyjamas on, god I loved her. I stored courage enough the last second, it all went dull for a moment, then I asked her what she felt about me, I said she already knew how I felt, and she knew I felt that way. Let me get you a picture: Imagine a bed, with white cushions, sheets and covers. Everything was white, even her pyjamas was white. Imagine that in a black void, with us two sitting on the bed speaking to eachothers with the bed spinning around slowly. Now you've got the picture, let me continue.

She looked down. I instantly knew what that meant and braced myself for the worst. She looked up and told me that she didn't feel the same way. My eyes were bloodshot and tearfilled, I started shaking. I must say I totally lost my mind. I closed my eyes, hanged my head dejectedly and started pulling my hair and asked why, why wouldn't she feel the same? I was crushed, I was crying, I was weak. And that moment, that was the only moment she hugged me. When I was crushed, when I was down and destroyed. She hugged me. She said that I should sit more comfortable. So I moved to lean to the wall next to her, overlooking her room. It was a typical girl room with a mirror, a desk, make up and plushies spread everywhere. I turned to look at her, I took her hand and asked her why, note that this was the only time we held hands. And there it was. She looked at our hands first, then meeting my eyes. She said "Niklas, I don't love you." It wasn't coldhearted as it may sound, it was a very understanding way she sounded. I cried for three hours that night, she helped me through it though and I thank her for that, truly I do. 

The last two days I was there was very hard. But I actually think something that happened some days before was even worse than the "I don't love you" bit. She asked me what I wanted to do. I suggested that we'd go up to the mountains and look around. Guess what she said... The words still echoes throughout my head.. "We can go up the mountains?" - "No, what is there to see?" and then she walked out of the room, I think she was angry or something, but I followed her. I actually wanted to go up there and see what it was like, it's funny how she promised me we'd go up there because I don't have any mountains where I live. I remember I told her that I really wanted to go up to the mountains the night I was crying for three fucking hours and she felt sorry for me. So the day after we went up to the mountains but it wasn't so exciting anylonger than it would've been three days before. It was just very sad and I wanted to go home and forget about everything. Let's skip ahead to where I left.

We hugged one last time and said good bye. I turned around one last time before I got on the train, I shed a tear that second, the very second I saw her back turned on me a tear fell from my cheek. I quickly dried it with my sleeve and went on the train, turning on my MP3 player and sat down. The ride home was hard, I had to keep the tears in. Well I guess there's not so much more to say. I only wanted to write all this down, sure, there's a WHOLE lot more I can write about but I won't be going in that much detail. 

What happened after that? Well, I changed, slowly. Doing drugs and drinking 'till I couldn't stand up, hating the humanity and everything and everyone around me. The feeling that somebody, that is exactly like you, your soulmate, even if that sounds a bit weird, leaving you forever is unbearable. Imagine meeting yourself, but in a girls body. She loves to do everything that you do, she loves everything about you, she states, but then it all vanishes in a brief second. As if living in paradise and it is all razed and destroyed in a matter of seconds. That's not even enough, I can't express myself in any way how it feels. It's really that hard.

What I've learned? Well, never trust. Never associate with love. Believe all girls are whores. That hate is good. And that is love is like walking slowly into a black void. Into nothing. And my only friend is myself. I've also learned how psychopaths are born and how murder is an easy deed. I might take this a bit too serious and a bit too far, yes, I do, I admit and it's very silly of me. I am no psychopath nor murderer. I only need somebody to understand what I am still going through. I want to find myself again, who I was before her. I need to find salvation.

I try to be hard on the shell, wishing people death every day. It sickens me but people think that it's cool that I can do stuff like that straight up to a stranger's face. Afterwards I am thinking "What if that'd be me..? How would I react? Why would he do that to me?" Well I know no mercy. I don't. The only person I wish a happy ending for is her. That's why I'd like to end this with a nice a song that I really like. It's Papa Roach - Forever.

In the brightest hour of my darkest day